Most of us look down on groupies and gold-diggers for their dependence on men for money, affection and survival. And though I do not agree with their “power of the pussy” tactics; I must say, that up until recently, I have not been that different from them. I also will journey to say that with careful introspection, most of you will find that you haven’t been either.
For most of my life I have been a victim of “Savior Syndrome.” Like most women, from a very young age I have been conditioned to believe that my life could and would never be complete without the perfect man. But, what makes it worse is that I bought into the notion that my life wouldn’t even begin until I found him.
I’ve always been ambitious, wanting my own career and having my own goals; yet, I could never move forward, because I didn’t have a man navigating my course. My future (and ultimately, myself) remained a blur with an outline; but no details or specifics. So, for the last 10 years, I have searched diligently to find him, the man that will pull out the magic map and show me where I am supposed to go. What never occurred to me was that, ultimately, whatever map he was following was his… Something he designed, without my input or consideration… Hell, most often, the plan existed before he even met me.
And this, My Dears, is the difference between men and women. Women date to find Saviors, men they believe will save them from this life of uncertainty… Our Mr. Perfect, Mr. Wonderful, IBM (Ideal Black Man), the missing link between now and forever. And any plans we have made are bent, shifted or discarded to incorporate him and his.
I have been guilty of this too many times. For example, If he was a potential first round draft pick, headed straight to the NBA after our junior year, the journalism career I dreamed of was thrown to the wayside, replaced by apparitions of the different cities we could potentially move to and the glamorous life we would live, as I fought off groupies and did lunch with the Basketball Wives. If he was a career obsessed investment banker, that wanted a penthouse in the city and a trophy wife, I’d immediately dream up a plan that included skipping grad school (who needs an M.A. in Literature when you have a banker for a husband), working out six days a week and learning how to speak a foreign language so that I could impress his bourgeois friends. And, if he was a video game-obsessed-southerner, I’d learn how to cook soul food (minus the pork), play Call of Duty , and start researching property costs in Atlanta. As you can see, the plan constantly changed, depending on who I was building it around.
After several years of this, I was even more confused and lost than ever. Who was I? And where the hell was I headed? Well… since I spent more time single than not, nowhere. I was going nowhere. I couldn’t believe that I had wasted so many years changing my plans for men that already had plans... Plans that, mind you, were designed for THEIR happiness, not mine. You see, the investment banker got his condo overlooking the water and his exotic, trophy wife. The gamer still has his console and is single; but, I hear living it up in the strip clubs of Atlanta and the Baller… Well, he never made it to the NBA, freak accident our Sophomore year (He had already dumped me by this point ); but, is happily married, with three kids, coaching high school basketball in Virginia. And me, I’m still here, single and childless, blogging about being clueless.
Clueless; but, not hopeless. A wise man once told me that he thought the term “You complete me” was utterly nonsense. And I have to say I agree with him. No one can complete you. You have to complete yourself. But, first you have to find yourself, and the way to do this starts with a plan. YOUR PLAN. At almost 30, I’m still looking at my future through squinted eyes; but, it’s getting clearer. Because, this time around, I’m taking charge of my own life and living for me. And though I’m taking this journey alone; I’m Ok with it (Well, at least getting to be), because it’s MY journey, MY path… and it’s on my terms and all roads on this map lead to MY happiness. And that My Dears, is how you become your own Savior.
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