In my observation, our society has perpetuated the notion that there are two types of women… women that you marry and women that you have sex with. And unfortunately, many men staunchly adhere to this rule, dichotomizing the women they meet, dismissing any that the deem “too sexy” to bedroom duty and coveting those that appear to be wholesome, without giving either a chance to properly present or defend their character.
What do Black men want in a wife? According to popular magazines and online polls… Men, particularly Black men, want women that are funny, caring, spiritual, trustworthy, intelligent, feminine… and of course, sexual. Sexuality and sexual compatibility are very important to most men. However, this does not imply that they want their wives to appear sexual. You know the cliché… “Lady in the street, and a freak in the bed.” Men love strippers, porn stars and video vixens; but, would most brothers marry one, no.
Since slavery, the Black female body has been abused and exploited for the sexual fulfillment of the masses. Her round buttocks, breasts and full lips, sexualized and objectified, and deemed impure and unfeminine, in comparison with that of their white counterparts. Case in point, Saarte Baartman (look it up) the famous “Venus Hottentot,” an African woman who was caged and paraded around Europe on display because of her large rare end. In fact, even after death, her body remained captive, as her vagina and buttocks were preserved and placed on display in a French museum.
This objectification and sexualization of the Black female form lives on today in music videos and lyrics and in popular male magazines. And though the same can be said of white women in media, they can be viewed in other avenues which counteract notions that they are ONLY sexual beings. They can be seen on TV and in movies as lawyers, doctors, and even as potential presidential candidates; whereas, there are less mainstream images of Black women in which she is portrayed as intelligent, professional, powerful and feminine without being overly sexual.
Black men, similar to that of Black women, have been stigmatized by American culture as possessing an animalistic sexual prowess. This is one of the primary reasons white men took great efforts to keep them from their precious women. The Black male libido and penis has been stereotypically labeled as both as weapon and a threat. However, contemporary Black men, in opposition to what Black women have done, have accepted this stereotype by parading their virility and sexuality. Look at Lil Wayne and his abundance of “baby mommas,” the legend of Wilt Chamberland and popular shows like “Flavor of Love” and, Chad Ochocinco’s “The Perfect Catch,” in which dozens of sex-crazed “hoes” bid for the affections of libido-driven Black men. Today, Black men can have sex with as many women (of any race) as they like, without stigma or scrutiny. But, Black women, on the other hand, have to be very careful, and thus tread lightly to avoid any such notions that they are sexually charged or deviant.
Given this history, many Black women, intentionally and sometimes subconsciously, conform to American standards of womanhood (pure, pious and passive), in an effort to protect themselves from the stigma and subjugation of over-sexualization. Many will agree that is it necessary to appear “conservative,” and even “more conservative” than their white counterparts, particularly in the work place, to avoid labels such as ghetto queen and vixen, as well as to deflect the eyes of white men from their butts, lips and hips. But, what about within our own communities and with our own men?
Do Black men dichotomize Black women in a similar fashion? The answer may be “yes.” In my experience, men rarely marry women they believe to be too sexy or sexual. Sexy women (women that appear sexual) are often labeled “whores ,” “loose” or “not wifey material” and women that appear less sexual are given the green light and consideration … But, can you judge a book by its cover? Now, I’m no fool and oftentimes you can call as spade a spade and if it walks and quacks like a duck, most times it’s a duck… But, what if it’s really a swan?
The characteristics that make a woman sexy span beyond that of the physical. There is intelligence, poise, speech, her walk, etc. And what Black men find physically attractive varies from here to the motherland. But, the question still remains: Can a woman be too sexy to marry?
Yes, this is why women, indeed Black women, make great strides to “act like a lady,” abide by sexual rules of conduct and conceal truths about their sexual past (See my earlier entry, “Lie… What Lie?”) They know that Black men can be very quick to judge and label and that if she wants a fair chance, she better hold back the truth, play the “good girl role” and play her part.
How does a duck walk? Meaning what do “overly sexual” women look like? Hmmm… well, let’s start with the dress. She may wear form fitting or revealing clothing. Have a “provocative” walk. Adorn herself with embellishments such as flashy jewelry of makeup, accessories that emphasize her physical beauty, and she may exemplify behaviors, such as speech, that can be deemed as flirtatious or brazen. Combine these traits, and you can build one sexy beast. She’s got the walk, the talk and the looks that make men look (sometimes stare) and even comment. But, does that make her a whore?
One of my favorite lines, a mantra in which I have come to live by, comes from the animated film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The film features one of my favorite TV and screen characters, Jessica Rabbit, the wife of the film’s title character, Roger. Jessica is a vixen, a buxom, red-head, in a skin tight green cocktail dress, with a sensual voice and a walk that warrants a saxophone as theme music. Yet she is the faithful wife of a goofy, rabbit. She utters the line after being accused of adultery, to which Mrs. Rabbit, in that sensual lounge-singer voice, responds… “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” I love this line, because it is both comical, yet complex and begs the question… Are all sexy women bad, or are you just drawing them that way?
Sexy women are and should be considered wifey material. Gentlemen, how about you wait to hear a quack before you scream, “DUCK!” Some women love themselves, their bodies and their sexuality; and therefore, they look sexually appealing. But, this does NOT mean that they allow everyone to experience it. I understand that you want to respect your wife and for her to be respected. But, the most important thing is that she respects herself, and just because she’s sexy, this does not mean that she doesn’t. Grow some, and realize that other men can and will find your wife sexy. Be proud of it; because she is YOURS. Don’t punish her, love her and she will love you in return. She will remain faithful and you may see that the sexuality she eludes in public falls very short to what she’ll show you when you’re behind closed doors.
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