Life on the Other Side

It’s been almost three months since I’ve embarked on this journey to the other side. The other side of fear, the other side of confusion, the other side of myself. Three months ago, I made a promise to myself that that I would drop all pretenses, all insecurities and fears and reclaim myself.

I never knew that I wasn’t really happy. I always knew I was ok… for the most part, content. But, never happy and certainly not joyful. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced moments of “happiness”… working with my students, spending time with my beautiful nephews, drinking with the girls… But, experiencing joy on a daily basis was a foreign feeling… a foreign understanding.

Three months ago I stopped drinking, dating, and self-loathing. Told myself that I needed and deserved a better life. Reflected on my imperfections, accepted some of them and decided to improve many of them. I decided to become a better person for myself, and as a result for my family, friends and community.

I find the responses to my change amazing. For the most part, people have been very supportive. Of course, some have not taken to my sudden shift as warmly as I would have liked; but, that is to be expected… What is to be expected from the guy who lost his late-night sure thing?

A wise woman recently told me that life is a series of life-altering events and that I shouldn’t be surprised if I find myself going through a similar change years from now…According to her, it’s all a part of the process of living, learning and growing… I believe her, through I must say the possibility of undergoing another “crash and rebuild” scares the hell out of me, at least right now.

Many people don’t understand the reason for the change or even see it…. And I’m ok with that. I see it and most importantly, I feel it. I feel the confidence, I feel the happiness and I feel the new found love that I have for myself. Do I miss the old times? The alcohol, the men, the sex… Yes. Of course I do. The latters more than the formers :) But, I don’t miss the old me. The me that relied on those vices for comfort, support and direction. The old me that was afraid of who I was, and what I wanted. The old me that didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Not that I have all of the answers now; but, the picture is a lot less fuzzy than it was three months ago… for the men reading this, it’s kind of like going from regular TV to HD.

I owe so many people credit for this change. Some were catalysts, others enablers. The catalysts… one in particular, a wonderful woman by the name of R, whom I met on a trip to Connecticut … my mentor, sister and spiritual advisor… a true gift from God. Proof that you can make new, real, friends in adulthood and that “girl power” is more than a 90s cliché. My enablers… I can happily report that I have many… J, S, T, C, G and others… great people all in their own rights, who through sarcasm, teasing and love all push me to be the person I’m claiming to be. But, I cannot forget or neglect to mention one of the key catalysts, the man to whom I must give credit where hurt and pain is due… (He shall remain nameless or initial-less in this instance) I must thank him for breaking my heart, exposing my weaknesses and unapologetically showing me that no one will ever love you, unless you love yourself. Thanks, Prick (See, I’m still not there yet...).

Most importantly, I got to thank the most important person in this equation. The person who has been both a catalyst and the ultimate enabler… GOD. As my father taught me… “Allahu Akbar,” meaning God is the greatest :)

I still have my moments… Moments when I find myself missing him or feeling hurt by what he’s done... But, I’ve come to the realization that it’s going to take as long as it has to for my heart and ego to mend. And I’m ok with that. And more importantly, I’ve realized that living with pain, desire and sometimes doubt are all human emotions, given to us by God. And I embrace all that God has given me. What I’ve found is that it’s learning how to not let them consume you that we must learn to do. So, OK… So, I backslide sometimes… We all do… after all, we are human… But, it’s the ability to re-climb, climb and ascend even further, that makes heroes out of mere humans. I’m only three months in, sixteen more to go… I’m not even half-way there; but I have the joy in my heart lighting the path ahead of me.