Dating Rules for the Hysterical Woman

There have been dozens, no hundreds, scratch that, thousands of books, articles and blogs written to aid Black women in the pursuit of the perfect man. As a hysterical woman, I read these aids and gasp and gag in disgust. I’m no Victorian lady or Debutant; I’m hysterical, meaning I’ve been around the block and picked up a few scars on the way back. That said, I have created a few dating rules of my own. Ones that don’t tell us to shut our mouths, act like ladies and order the cheapest thing on the menu because it’s the polite thing to do. These rules are real. For the hysterical woman, by a hysterical woman. Follow them at your own risk; many of them have been untested. But, truth be told, what do you have to lose? The other stuff hasn’t worked either.

Rule Number One. Remember, you are by social standards “crazy.” However, despite what they say, them Negroes are even crazier.

Rule Number Two. Never Ever take advice from your friends, especially not the single ones… Why am I listening to you? That’s like Ray giving Stevie fashion advice.

Rule Number Three. Never Ever be yourself. Be your craziest self. What’s the point in calculating a gradual reveal? If he can deal with you on 10. He’ll love you at 3.

Rule Number Four. Don’t ignore your gut or his. If you are completely turned off by his physical appearance, corny or offensive jokes or the way he chews his food, don’t be afraid to walk away. Oftentimes, the things we ignore are the things that come back to bite us in the end.

Rule Number Five. Ask about his ex. Yes… And if he starts the conversation off with “That Bitch was Crazy”… Run for the hills… nine times out of ten, you’re crazier than her and you’ll be the next “crazy bitch” he’ll be talking about.

Rule Number Six. Beware of Mr. Perfect. If he’s too suave, too well dressed or too polite, HE’S LYING! No man is perfect. And you most certainly are not. If he’s afraid to show you his crazy, he won’t be too comfortable with yours.

Rule Number Seven. Don’t compare him to your ex. In fact, contrast him (It didn’t work for a reason). The only comparisons that should be made are between you and him. If you have the same likes, dislikes, passions and taste in movies, why not give it a try?

Rule Number Eight. Crazy needs crazy. If you show up and your neurosis leads you to start rambling about how much you hate Jaguars and the pretentious jerks that drive them and he chimes in and says that he hates the idiot woman who date them and the conversation lasts for three hours, I say you’ve just made a match in Crazy Heaven (And perhaps, Dork Heaven or Bitter Angry People Heaven… You be the judge).

Rule Number Nine. Nice guys finish last. Poor suckers. Try one out. Accept the date. He may be a little square and gasp at some of your brash statements. But, if he laughs instead, he may be a keeper. Sometimes hysterical women need a little balance and nice doesn’t always mean naïve or soft. Maybe his “crazy” is that he likes “loud, neurotic, pessimistic women.” This may be the last first date of your life.

Rule Number Ten. Remember, crazy women need love too. There is someone out there for almost everyone (just being honest). You’re crazy; but, fabulous. You love and accept you. Why wouldn’t someone else?