Just Too Much! (A Little Info On me… )

I am the girl that a lot of insecure women hate. The woman at work in the high heels and borderline inappropriate outfit. The one that‘s always in someone else’s cube or has someone in hers (oftentimes male ). I’m the one with the loud voice and the even louder laugh. The ridiculous hair and full face of make-up. Hold on to your man, because she doesn’t have one (and I hear she’s on the prowl). I’m that girl. Do you know me?

Well, if you think you do, you don’t.

Here’s the actual truth. I’m not the “traditional” lady. I sin. I cuss and I’ve been known to enjoy a clove cigarette or two. I’m aggressive and assertive and don’t believe in backing down for the sake of maintaining some archaic notion of femininity. I fight, physically and verbally, as well as eat with my hands (not just fingers, hands). I talk about sex, in mixed company, at the most inappropriate times, and I have no qualms about telling a man if I feel like his game won’t or can’t match up. I flirt and never feign modesty. I jokingly boast about my intelligence, skills and beauty and am undeniably self-centered (who else is my world supposed to evolve around, some man?). I am not a lady. But, I am a woman. A strong, assertive, beautiful, intelligent and self-assured, Black woman. And darn proud!

Ok. Ok… This is the truth. But, it’s not all I am. I am also extremely sensitive and hate being judged, a daddy’s girl and a push-over when it comes to my kids (Oh, I’m also a youth worker). I go to bat for my friends and believe in telling the truth, even if It gets me in trouble. I cry at least twice a day over, things that don’t even involve or affect me and I value my family more than they will ever know. Oh, and I love kittens. :)

I’ve never had a hard time making friends, its just been a little difficult maintaining true friendship with other women. When you are as “too much” as I am “too much,” it can be difficult for people to tolerate or even enjoy your overcast. I find this to be particularly true when it comes to other women, especially other, single, attractive women. If they only knew that I’ve come along way from being some “pretty girl’s," overweight, sidekick who was the last chosen to dance. I used to be afraid of not only others; but my own voice. Bet they'd never guess that I was raised in a household of men and a tomboy until the age of 15. Or that I had to fight daily with my peers at school because of my religious beliefs. Would anyone guess that I hated my hair and body until the age of 21. If they knew that, would I still be hated or judged?

Don’t get me wrong, yes, I am a HAM, and yes, I do enjoy putting on an, occasional, one-woman, show. But, by no means do I require ALL of the attention, ALL of the time. I LOVE being in the presence and hanging with extraverted, hilarious, over the top, eccentric,” too much” women. One, I receive a sigh of relief, “Thank you GOD, I’m not alone!” Two, I have a partner or partners in crime to play off and put on even bigger, better performances. And three, It takes the pressure off of me to always well, be on. Sometimes, in fact oftentimes, I enjoy sitting back and being the spectator.

Most of you are probably just like me. You just don’t want to be judged for it. So, you stay in the safe zone. Place your hands in your lap and feign modesty. Well, on behalf of all of the “Too Much” girls, I say, welcome to the world. Throw on your favorite, “hot girl gear,” throw away those safe outfits, put on some make-up (if you like) and speak up! The world is ready for your debut.

My Sister. My Friend. My Enemy?

The game, Pursuit.
The target, a Black Man.
The goal, Marriage (preferably before 35).
The opponent, Any other living, breathing, half attractive woman.
The rules, NONE.

Sound familiar? This is game played by thousands of Black women in this country and around the world every day. Beautiful, intelligent and successful woman all vying for what they deem to be the missing piece in the puzzle of total, and complete happiness. We can have it all, if we work, plot and scheme enough. The house, the car, the vacation spot in Martha’s Vineyard, and of course the man… the Black Man.

I have always been very comfortable communicating, befriending and, if so inclined, pursuing men. I have plenty of male friends, some ex-loves and lovers, others just “cool dudes” that I’ve gravitated to over the years. Never being much of a “girls’ girl,” but, very much a “girlie girl,” the friendships and the witty banter I often exchange with the men in my circles are frequently, misunderstood and misinterpreted as flirtation. Which has made me a target for female scrutiny and harsh judgement.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those “I only hang with guys, girls are too petty” women. In fact, I have a solid group of female friends, all of which are beautiful, intelligent, ambitious women of many different hues, character and type. I love my girlfriends. They are essential part of my life, and in my opinion the life of any woman. I just so happen to also have a close blend of male friends, as well.

What is so disappointing, yet not surprising to me, is the lack of regard women have for each other when it comes to the pursuit of men. Time and time again, I have witnessed women undercut and use each other to get to men. And a few times, I have been the victim of this.
I’ve had women cozy up to me to meet my male friends or even pretend to be my friend just to see how close I am to “their” man. Like, really? If another woman is a potential threat, then he isn’t yours anyway and may not even be that into you.

I love my sisters; but, we have got get it together. There is plenty of room in the universe for each and every one of us to be hot (beautiful, sexy, intelligent and desirable). So, stop undercutting and dissin’ your sisters just because you believe that she may pose a threat to you meeting the man of your dreams. If he is meant for you, you will be with him.

What really pisses me off (on top of the jealously, spitefulness and obvious hating we do on each other) is that men know this about us. And they PLAY ON IT!! If a man can start a bidding war for his affections, he has not only mastered the game, because not only has the amount of effort he has to exert gone down to zero; but, he has the chance of walking away with the MVP trophy, both women. And us women we play right into it. Battling each other so hard we have no clue that what we are fighting for isn’t even worth a verbal slap, let alone a hair pull.

Could you imagine what would happen if we stopped letting them win? Yes, letting them win. That’s what happens every time we choose them over each other or allow them to divide us. One, we will begin to forge stronger interpersonal relationships. Two, men will have no choice but to step up their game and be forced to come correct and treat all of us with the respect we deserve. And three, this will increase the pool of eligible, “good” men. So, it starts with us ladies. Love yourself, of course; but, remember, love your sister. She is not your enemy. She is your ally.

Life on the Other Side

It’s been almost three months since I’ve embarked on this journey to the other side. The other side of fear, the other side of confusion, the other side of myself. Three months ago, I made a promise to myself that that I would drop all pretenses, all insecurities and fears and reclaim myself.

I never knew that I wasn’t really happy. I always knew I was ok… for the most part, content. But, never happy and certainly not joyful. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced moments of “happiness”… working with my students, spending time with my beautiful nephews, drinking with the girls… But, experiencing joy on a daily basis was a foreign feeling… a foreign understanding.

Three months ago I stopped drinking, dating, and self-loathing. Told myself that I needed and deserved a better life. Reflected on my imperfections, accepted some of them and decided to improve many of them. I decided to become a better person for myself, and as a result for my family, friends and community.

I find the responses to my change amazing. For the most part, people have been very supportive. Of course, some have not taken to my sudden shift as warmly as I would have liked; but, that is to be expected… What is to be expected from the guy who lost his late-night sure thing?

A wise woman recently told me that life is a series of life-altering events and that I shouldn’t be surprised if I find myself going through a similar change years from now…According to her, it’s all a part of the process of living, learning and growing… I believe her, through I must say the possibility of undergoing another “crash and rebuild” scares the hell out of me, at least right now.

Many people don’t understand the reason for the change or even see it…. And I’m ok with that. I see it and most importantly, I feel it. I feel the confidence, I feel the happiness and I feel the new found love that I have for myself. Do I miss the old times? The alcohol, the men, the sex… Yes. Of course I do. The latters more than the formers :) But, I don’t miss the old me. The me that relied on those vices for comfort, support and direction. The old me that was afraid of who I was, and what I wanted. The old me that didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Not that I have all of the answers now; but, the picture is a lot less fuzzy than it was three months ago… for the men reading this, it’s kind of like going from regular TV to HD.

I owe so many people credit for this change. Some were catalysts, others enablers. The catalysts… one in particular, a wonderful woman by the name of R, whom I met on a trip to Connecticut … my mentor, sister and spiritual advisor… a true gift from God. Proof that you can make new, real, friends in adulthood and that “girl power” is more than a 90s cliché. My enablers… I can happily report that I have many… J, S, T, C, G and others… great people all in their own rights, who through sarcasm, teasing and love all push me to be the person I’m claiming to be. But, I cannot forget or neglect to mention one of the key catalysts, the man to whom I must give credit where hurt and pain is due… (He shall remain nameless or initial-less in this instance) I must thank him for breaking my heart, exposing my weaknesses and unapologetically showing me that no one will ever love you, unless you love yourself. Thanks, Prick (See, I’m still not there yet...).

Most importantly, I got to thank the most important person in this equation. The person who has been both a catalyst and the ultimate enabler… GOD. As my father taught me… “Allahu Akbar,” meaning God is the greatest :)

I still have my moments… Moments when I find myself missing him or feeling hurt by what he’s done... But, I’ve come to the realization that it’s going to take as long as it has to for my heart and ego to mend. And I’m ok with that. And more importantly, I’ve realized that living with pain, desire and sometimes doubt are all human emotions, given to us by God. And I embrace all that God has given me. What I’ve found is that it’s learning how to not let them consume you that we must learn to do. So, OK… So, I backslide sometimes… We all do… after all, we are human… But, it’s the ability to re-climb, climb and ascend even further, that makes heroes out of mere humans. I’m only three months in, sixteen more to go… I’m not even half-way there; but I have the joy in my heart lighting the path ahead of me.

She's Too Sexy To Be A Wife... (Do Sexy Women Get Married?)

In my observation, our society has perpetuated the notion that there are two types of women… women that you marry and women that you have sex with. And unfortunately, many men staunchly adhere to this rule, dichotomizing the women they meet, dismissing any that the deem “too sexy” to bedroom duty and coveting those that appear to be wholesome, without giving either a chance to properly present or defend their character.


What do Black men want in a wife? According to popular magazines and online polls… Men, particularly Black men, want women that are funny, caring, spiritual, trustworthy, intelligent, feminine… and of course, sexual. Sexuality and sexual compatibility are very important to most men. However, this does not imply that they want their wives to appear sexual. You know the cliché… “Lady in the street, and a freak in the bed.” Men love strippers, porn stars and video vixens; but, would most brothers marry one, no.


Since slavery, the Black female body has been abused and exploited for the sexual fulfillment of the masses. Her round buttocks, breasts and full lips, sexualized and objectified, and deemed impure and unfeminine, in comparison with that of their white counterparts. Case in point, Saarte Baartman (look it up) the famous “Venus Hottentot,” an African woman who was caged and paraded around Europe on display because of her large rare end. In fact, even after death, her body remained captive, as her vagina and buttocks were preserved and placed on display in a French museum.


This objectification and sexualization of the Black female form lives on today in music videos and lyrics and in popular male magazines. And though the same can be said of white women in media, they can be viewed in other avenues which counteract notions that they are ONLY sexual beings. They can be seen on TV and in movies as lawyers, doctors, and even as potential presidential candidates; whereas, there are less mainstream images of Black women in which she is portrayed as intelligent, professional, powerful and feminine without being overly sexual.


Black men, similar to that of Black women, have been stigmatized by American culture as possessing an animalistic sexual prowess. This is one of the primary reasons white men took great efforts to keep them from their precious women. The Black male libido and penis has been stereotypically labeled as both as weapon and a threat. However, contemporary Black men, in opposition to what Black women have done, have accepted this stereotype by parading their virility and sexuality. Look at Lil Wayne and his abundance of “baby mommas,” the legend of Wilt Chamberland and popular shows like “Flavor of Love” and, Chad Ochocinco’s “The Perfect Catch,” in which dozens of sex-crazed “hoes” bid for the affections of libido-driven Black men. Today, Black men can have sex with as many women (of any race) as they like, without stigma or scrutiny. But, Black women, on the other hand, have to be very careful, and thus tread lightly to avoid any such notions that they are sexually charged or deviant.


Given this history, many Black women, intentionally and sometimes subconsciously, conform to American standards of womanhood (pure, pious and passive), in an effort to protect themselves from the stigma and subjugation of over-sexualization. Many will agree that is it necessary to appear “conservative,” and even “more conservative” than their white counterparts, particularly in the work place, to avoid labels such as ghetto queen and vixen, as well as to deflect the eyes of white men from their butts, lips and hips. But, what about within our own communities and with our own men?


Do Black men dichotomize Black women in a similar fashion? The answer may be “yes.” In my experience, men rarely marry women they believe to be too sexy or sexual. Sexy women (women that appear sexual) are often labeled “whores ,” “loose” or “not wifey material” and women that appear less sexual are given the green light and consideration … But, can you judge a book by its cover? Now, I’m no fool and oftentimes you can call as spade a spade and if it walks and quacks like a duck, most times it’s a duck… But, what if it’s really a swan?


The characteristics that make a woman sexy span beyond that of the physical. There is intelligence, poise, speech, her walk, etc. And what Black men find physically attractive varies from here to the motherland. But, the question still remains: Can a woman be too sexy to marry?


Yes, this is why women, indeed Black women, make great strides to “act like a lady,” abide by sexual rules of conduct and conceal truths about their sexual past (See my earlier entry, “Lie… What Lie?”) They know that Black men can be very quick to judge and label and that if she wants a fair chance, she better hold back the truth, play the “good girl role” and play her part.


How does a duck walk? Meaning what do “overly sexual” women look like? Hmmm… well, let’s start with the dress. She may wear form fitting or revealing clothing. Have a “provocative” walk. Adorn herself with embellishments such as flashy jewelry of makeup, accessories that emphasize her physical beauty, and she may exemplify behaviors, such as speech, that can be deemed as flirtatious or brazen. Combine these traits, and you can build one sexy beast. She’s got the walk, the talk and the looks that make men look (sometimes stare) and even comment. But, does that make her a whore?


One of my favorite lines, a mantra in which I have come to live by, comes from the animated film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The film features one of my favorite TV and screen characters, Jessica Rabbit, the wife of the film’s title character, Roger. Jessica is a vixen, a buxom, red-head, in a skin tight green cocktail dress, with a sensual voice and a walk that warrants a saxophone as theme music. Yet she is the faithful wife of a goofy, rabbit. She utters the line after being accused of adultery, to which Mrs. Rabbit, in that sensual lounge-singer voice, responds… “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” I love this line, because it is both comical, yet complex and begs the question… Are all sexy women bad, or are you just drawing them that way?


Sexy women are and should be considered wifey material. Gentlemen, how about you wait to hear a quack before you scream, “DUCK!” Some women love themselves, their bodies and their sexuality; and therefore, they look sexually appealing. But, this does NOT mean that they allow everyone to experience it. I understand that you want to respect your wife and for her to be respected. But, the most important thing is that she respects herself, and just because she’s sexy, this does not mean that she doesn’t. Grow some, and realize that other men can and will find your wife sexy. Be proud of it; because she is YOURS. Don’t punish her, love her and she will love you in return. She will remain faithful and you may see that the sexuality she eludes in public falls very short to what she’ll show you when you’re behind closed doors.

The Reason Why "Friends with Benefits" Fail

Ladies, does this sound familiar?

"Woman, why are you so damn crazy?"
"Did he just call me 'crazy'..."?


I’m crazy because I think about you constantly, so much that I find myself reciting your name, at the most awkward times, in public places, in front of complete strangers, which in turn makes them look at me… crazy.


I’m crazy because I compare every man to you and always deem them unworthy; therefore, I am lonely and have not been on a date in months. Yet, whenever we speak, you tell me about some chick you just met whose body was so damn… crazy.


I’m crazy because we’re just friends; but, I want more, you know it and don’t acknowledge it because to talk about it would be too much to handle right now and you’re life is already so damn… crazy.


I’m crazy because last night I made love, you had sex. I turned you out, just like I said I would, and now your all fucked up. We both see the tables are turning, and you’re catching feelings, damn, aint that so… crazy.


I’m crazy because I know you love me; but, just won’t say it. I push you, you pull away and tell me things ain’t that deep between us, knowing you’re lying… to both me and yourself. You’re shutting down. Now who’s that one that’s acting… crazy.


So now we’re here arguing because I want you, I need you, but, you don’t want me and I’ll never have you. Damn, we used to be so tight, such good friends. When we met, we connected so deeply, so strongly. The spark was so strong.

I guess it’s because crazy recognizes… crazy.

Addiction Anybody?/ A Response to the Celibacy Question

Are you Man-Obsessed?
1. You have been single, not dating, sexing or “talking” to a man for longer than 1 month and you feel like you might die.
2. You are single (meaning, without a man or potential mate) yet you already know the cut and design of your wedding gown.
3. When you go out for “girls night” with your friends, your soul purpose is to meet men.
4. You go to clubs and bars alone to meet men.
5. You have a “friend with benefits” that you secretly want to marry... Psst, its not a secret, everyone… including him… knows that you desperately want more. Sorry.
6. Almost EVERY conversation you have with your friends… male and female… starts with “What does it mean if he…,” “Why do men…” or “Niggas aint shit!”
7. You are successful, healthy and attractive; but, you find yourself constantly jealous of your married friends.
8. You date men that are totally below your dating standards.
9. You do not have any dating standards (but, of course you have a list for everything else).
10. Men ask you “Really? You’re interested in me?”
11. You own more than one dating book.
12. You avoid being seen with your nieces, nephews or God children in public for fear that Mr. Right, might think you have kids (because he’s out there looking for you… not!).
13. You created a blog about transitioning into your thirties and almost every article is about men, sex or dating 

I honestly can’t remember a time when I wasn’t completely, utterly and undeniably obsessed/ addicted to men. It’s like one day something clicked in my head, as if someone turned my internal television to MenTV, and then stole the remote. Since that day, almost everything I did, said and thought would revolve around the retrieval or maintenance of a relationship with a man.

Like I’ve said before, I started building my life around Mr. Right, my beacon of light, my Savior. With him, by my side, in front of me, hell… even behind me (a weak man is better than no man, right?) I could accomplish anything. But why?

Ok… So, I was an addict. Love was a drug. Men were the syringe and I was playing a losing game and unlike Charlie Sheen, I was not winning (neither is he… But, whatever). And at the point where you start comparing yourself to coked out celebs… you know it’s time to change. Change is hard and fighting a proverbial itch was even harder.

How was I to break this habit, fight my addiction and get sober?… Any addict knows that there has and always will be only one way… cold turkey.

Cold Turkey, meaning no more men. They all had to be cut off. Every crush, every ex and every booty call. They all had to go. A hard dose of honesty (In the form of a really great friend) told me that none of them were good for me. None of them really cared about and, ultimately, none of them deserved me. Furthermore, she went on to asked, why the hell was I keeping them around. I fought her on this…

“All of them? Even my friends (some with benefits) too?”
She replied yes, and then went on… “If they’re so important, then they’ll know your importance and come searching for you after just a week”.
“And if this happens, I can keep them?”
She looked at me maternally. “Sure sweetie, you can keep them.”
I’ll show her, they’ll come a knockin’ within a week. Hell, even a couple of days… God, I hope they do.

Cliché. Cliché. To this day, I have yet to hear from all but one. And cliché, cliché, he was the one I never slept with. Say it with me… “Cliché. Cliché”. Damn you, Steve Harvey.

After a week of moaning, crying and cursing, I realized that I had a whole lot of free time on my hands… Not necessarily physical time; but, more significantly mental time. Without all the man drama that I warranted, welcomed and created, I was able to think about more important stuff… like, who the hell I was and what the hell did I want out of life? I had more time to read and more importantly, to write.

Without men, my conversations changed. I no longer called my girlfriends just to talk about my potential boyfriends, and in turn, they stopped moaning so much about theirs. We started to connect on different levels, getting to know each other better, realizing that we had other common interests before we turned into man –hungry succubae. It was enlightening. Liberating. Rehab 101: Once an addict, always an addict. But, this doesn’t mean that your addiction has to control you. It is never too late for you to reclaim/ regain control.

And so with this, began my bout with celibacy. I say bout because, I don’t plan for this to last forever… God, I hope not. My short term goal is until I turn 30 (my wedding night is my long term goal). Hopefully, by then, I won’t be so clueless, I’ll have conquered my addiction, checked some things off of my “to do” list, and even gained a clearer sense of identity.

Loving Yourself (Part One)

Loving Yourself Outside-In

I love my body. I love the breadth of my shoulders, the curve of my hips, the contrast between the darkness of my areolas with the brown of my breasts, even the ’v’ shape my vagina makes between my legs. I love my body, and the powerful way it can command and illicit pleasure. Adoring my body has become a ritual, in that I take time sometimes seconds, other times minutes, to gaze upon its beauty. Loving and celebrating my physical has become a way in which I love and celebrate me.

However, I have recently realized that I have allowed social standards of beauty, unrealistic expectations and my own insecurities to pervert a ritual that in essence should be beautiful and relaxing. You see, each time I celebrate, I pose. Meaning, I suck in my “gut,” arch my back, raise my breasts and elongate my legs in a model pose. In my mind, looking at and loving her (my body) in this altered form, is so much easier, than loving her in her natural, relaxed state. But, there is no beauty in dishonesty. And truth cannot be found in that which is altered.

After this realization, I knew that I had to let go, relax my form, stand straight up, let go of the Tyra, circa 2002, pose and gaze upon God’s perfection… Well, the first time I tried this, I immediately, grabbed my towel and walked away.

“I’ll check again tomorrow.” I said. “After the gym… The ‘gut’ is always smoother after a run and a round of crunches.”

When was the last time you looked at yourself naked? Completely naked, in a full-length mirror, stomach full, skin dry, breasts low, eyes wide open? How long did it take for you to suck in your stomach, arch your back, critique yourself, cover up and walk away? Minutes or seconds? Time yourself. See how long it takes before you feel the burning judgment of being watched and judged by a jury of one. Seeing yourself in all its honesty, vulnerability, sexiness, ugliness and beauty can be both a liberating and a painful experience. Most times the latter precludes the former, in that we tend to embrace pain before pleasure, negativity before positivity.

Try it. See what you do, how long you can do it and how you feel afterwards. Then, the next day, try it again. Keep repeating this task until you find yourself so comfortable in your skin that you no longer feel “nude” at all. You feel “clothed” in that you find security and contentment while being in one of the most vulnerable positions imaginable. When this happens, you’ll realize that confidence can form from the outside-in, because embracing your physical, is a part of embracing your soul, which is a large part of embracing yourself as a whole.