Most of us look down on groupies and gold-diggers for their dependence on men for money, affection and survival. And though I do not agree with their “power of the pussy” tactics; I must say, that up until recently, I have not been that different from them. I also will journey to say that with careful introspection, most of you will find that you haven’t been either.
For most of my life I have been a victim of “Savior Syndrome.” Like most women, from a very young age I have been conditioned to believe that my life could and would never be complete without the perfect man. But, what makes it worse is that I bought into the notion that my life wouldn’t even begin until I found him.
I’ve always been ambitious, wanting my own career and having my own goals; yet, I could never move forward, because I didn’t have a man navigating my course. My future (and ultimately, myself) remained a blur with an outline; but no details or specifics. So, for the last 10 years, I have searched diligently to find him, the man that will pull out the magic map and show me where I am supposed to go. What never occurred to me was that, ultimately, whatever map he was following was his… Something he designed, without my input or consideration… Hell, most often, the plan existed before he even met me.
And this, My Dears, is the difference between men and women. Women date to find Saviors, men they believe will save them from this life of uncertainty… Our Mr. Perfect, Mr. Wonderful, IBM (Ideal Black Man), the missing link between now and forever. And any plans we have made are bent, shifted or discarded to incorporate him and his.
I have been guilty of this too many times. For example, If he was a potential first round draft pick, headed straight to the NBA after our junior year, the journalism career I dreamed of was thrown to the wayside, replaced by apparitions of the different cities we could potentially move to and the glamorous life we would live, as I fought off groupies and did lunch with the Basketball Wives. If he was a career obsessed investment banker, that wanted a penthouse in the city and a trophy wife, I’d immediately dream up a plan that included skipping grad school (who needs an M.A. in Literature when you have a banker for a husband), working out six days a week and learning how to speak a foreign language so that I could impress his bourgeois friends. And, if he was a video game-obsessed-southerner, I’d learn how to cook soul food (minus the pork), play Call of Duty , and start researching property costs in Atlanta. As you can see, the plan constantly changed, depending on who I was building it around.
After several years of this, I was even more confused and lost than ever. Who was I? And where the hell was I headed? Well… since I spent more time single than not, nowhere. I was going nowhere. I couldn’t believe that I had wasted so many years changing my plans for men that already had plans... Plans that, mind you, were designed for THEIR happiness, not mine. You see, the investment banker got his condo overlooking the water and his exotic, trophy wife. The gamer still has his console and is single; but, I hear living it up in the strip clubs of Atlanta and the Baller… Well, he never made it to the NBA, freak accident our Sophomore year (He had already dumped me by this point ); but, is happily married, with three kids, coaching high school basketball in Virginia. And me, I’m still here, single and childless, blogging about being clueless.
Clueless; but, not hopeless. A wise man once told me that he thought the term “You complete me” was utterly nonsense. And I have to say I agree with him. No one can complete you. You have to complete yourself. But, first you have to find yourself, and the way to do this starts with a plan. YOUR PLAN. At almost 30, I’m still looking at my future through squinted eyes; but, it’s getting clearer. Because, this time around, I’m taking charge of my own life and living for me. And though I’m taking this journey alone; I’m Ok with it (Well, at least getting to be), because it’s MY journey, MY path… and it’s on my terms and all roads on this map lead to MY happiness. And that My Dears, is how you become your own Savior.
Me
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It's Time For A Change.
I wanna Write.
I’m almost 30, and still so clueless. Ten years ago, I had a plan. It might not have been the best plan. But, it was a grand plan, one that included a rewarding career, a great man, two beautiful children and a life full of unabridged happiness. As a freshman in college, the world was my oyster, my youth was before me and the stickiness of adulthood was miles away. But, at 28, my enthusiasm has faltered, my life looks nothing like of an 18-year-old’s imagined greatness, and I’m even more lost than I’ve ever been. My work, though rewarding, isn’t fulfilling or remotely exciting. My finances live in the red and my love life… Well, we’ve got plenty of time for that.
Well, at least I have my health. Right?
So, here I am, at 28, completely jaded and stagnated, by realities such as bills, biological clocks and sexually transmitted infections (Its STI now, right?) and bored out of my mind. When did I stop growing and changing? When did I decide that this was it and that my life was going to consist of work, cheap wine and the occasional roll in the sack with some undeserving 30-something playboy? And the most important question of all, when did I stop dreaming? Damn it!! I used to dream!! I used to believe that I was destined for something great, not just good, and damn sure not average, GREAT!!
And because greatness waits for no one… shit, it’s been 10 years… My journey or re-journey (I know, that’s not a word) starts now. So, here we go people. Let me know what you think.
Love ya.
I’m almost 30, and still so clueless. Ten years ago, I had a plan. It might not have been the best plan. But, it was a grand plan, one that included a rewarding career, a great man, two beautiful children and a life full of unabridged happiness. As a freshman in college, the world was my oyster, my youth was before me and the stickiness of adulthood was miles away. But, at 28, my enthusiasm has faltered, my life looks nothing like of an 18-year-old’s imagined greatness, and I’m even more lost than I’ve ever been. My work, though rewarding, isn’t fulfilling or remotely exciting. My finances live in the red and my love life… Well, we’ve got plenty of time for that.
Well, at least I have my health. Right?
So, here I am, at 28, completely jaded and stagnated, by realities such as bills, biological clocks and sexually transmitted infections (Its STI now, right?) and bored out of my mind. When did I stop growing and changing? When did I decide that this was it and that my life was going to consist of work, cheap wine and the occasional roll in the sack with some undeserving 30-something playboy? And the most important question of all, when did I stop dreaming? Damn it!! I used to dream!! I used to believe that I was destined for something great, not just good, and damn sure not average, GREAT!!
And because greatness waits for no one… shit, it’s been 10 years… My journey or re-journey (I know, that’s not a word) starts now. So, here we go people. Let me know what you think.
Love ya.
How do you know if your girlfriend is a freak...
OK. This next post is directed towards the fellas… So, ladies I know this is our site… But, believe me this will be beneficial for you, as well. Question, how do you know if your girlfriend is a “freak” or just “sexually experienced?” Answer, here’s how…
1. She gives great head.
2. Her “ride game” rivals that of Pinky… If you know who that is, and know the names of more than 3 of her “films” then you’re probably a pervert.
3. She has multiple orgasms during sex… whether she’s on the top, bottom or whatever position you think YOU created.
4. She has taught YOU a new position.
5. She made you cum within in the first 3 minutes and you swear this has never happened to you before because “I can go all night, baby.”
Well, sorry fellas, If your girl can be described by 3 or more of the previous statements. She is NOT a freak. She is just sexually experienced and YOU need to step up your game. Let’s keep it 100%. It’s 2011, and any woman that has been sexually active for more than 10 years, and has been having good sex, can probably screw like a champion.
Women are anatomically different than men (in case you didn’t know) and our sexual organs are on the inside of our bodies, which makes it more difficult for us to experience sexual fulfillment. Therefore, we require/ need to engage in more sex than a man to find out what works for us. So naturally, most of us are more sexually curious and eager to experiment than you are. So we practice and practice, sometimes with the same man, sometimes with multiple men, in an effort to find the right techniques to get us to that place of pure ecstasy. And once we find it… Sheesh, there is no going back. We want to perfect this technique and in addition, find new ones… Makes sense right? And the lucky man that helps us “reach this destiny” becomes the lucky recipient of all we have to give… Which becomes a recipe for experimentation, reciprocation and simply some really freaky sex :) If you are nodding your head, then you have been this man and fully agree with what I’m saying. If you are shocked, completely disagree or are disgusted, then you’ve probably never took a woman “there,” and are thus, likely, just really bad in bed and it sucks to be you. Women who have had great sex, love sex. We enjoy giving just as much as receiving, have mastered the art of the multiple orgasm and know how to get ourselves off, even if you don’t. So, if your woman flips you over, grabs you by the arms, squeezes tight and collapses after 2 minutes, she’s not a whore or a freak. She’s simply a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. You just better be happy you were there to witness it. And if you play “your part” correctly, you just might be invited to see it again.
Any questions... :)
1. She gives great head.
2. Her “ride game” rivals that of Pinky… If you know who that is, and know the names of more than 3 of her “films” then you’re probably a pervert.
3. She has multiple orgasms during sex… whether she’s on the top, bottom or whatever position you think YOU created.
4. She has taught YOU a new position.
5. She made you cum within in the first 3 minutes and you swear this has never happened to you before because “I can go all night, baby.”
Well, sorry fellas, If your girl can be described by 3 or more of the previous statements. She is NOT a freak. She is just sexually experienced and YOU need to step up your game. Let’s keep it 100%. It’s 2011, and any woman that has been sexually active for more than 10 years, and has been having good sex, can probably screw like a champion.
Women are anatomically different than men (in case you didn’t know) and our sexual organs are on the inside of our bodies, which makes it more difficult for us to experience sexual fulfillment. Therefore, we require/ need to engage in more sex than a man to find out what works for us. So naturally, most of us are more sexually curious and eager to experiment than you are. So we practice and practice, sometimes with the same man, sometimes with multiple men, in an effort to find the right techniques to get us to that place of pure ecstasy. And once we find it… Sheesh, there is no going back. We want to perfect this technique and in addition, find new ones… Makes sense right? And the lucky man that helps us “reach this destiny” becomes the lucky recipient of all we have to give… Which becomes a recipe for experimentation, reciprocation and simply some really freaky sex :) If you are nodding your head, then you have been this man and fully agree with what I’m saying. If you are shocked, completely disagree or are disgusted, then you’ve probably never took a woman “there,” and are thus, likely, just really bad in bed and it sucks to be you. Women who have had great sex, love sex. We enjoy giving just as much as receiving, have mastered the art of the multiple orgasm and know how to get ourselves off, even if you don’t. So, if your woman flips you over, grabs you by the arms, squeezes tight and collapses after 2 minutes, she’s not a whore or a freak. She’s simply a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. You just better be happy you were there to witness it. And if you play “your part” correctly, you just might be invited to see it again.
Any questions... :)
Lie... What Lie?
Fellow Clueless Divas,
Men lie. Yes, we all know this. They lie about relationships. They lie about how much money they make, and they lie about their penis sizes. Fuck it, they lie about any and everything. But women, our lies are little more specific. Women in their 30s lie about their age. But, what do women in their 20s lie about? We lie about “our number.” Not our phone number… Well maybe to the lurker in the club that misunderstood our drink acceptance as a commitment for marriage, of course we lie to him… But, what I’m talking about is our “golden number.” The sacred number that separates the women from the girls, the vixens from the saints, and the potential wives from the hoes… Our number of sexual partners. How many is too many? Well, Nana would say, “One, you’re not married, gal!.” But, its 2011, do they still make 20-something year old virgins? The rule used to be that anything over your age is just too much. But, at 28 that still seems a little socially unacceptable. Most women, when asked the “big question,” go with a safe number like 4 or 6. But, let’s keep it real. We all know that it’s probably more close to 20 or 30… Or is that just me? Ok, so you’re judging. Well, let me show you how it’s done.
Average length of relationships = 4 months
Average number of relationships per year=2
Average number of one night stands/ “Damn, he finally got me, that will never happen agains” per lifetime= 3
Average age of lost virginity=15
Now, let’s do the math… Current Age – Age of first sexual contact x average number of relationships per year + number of mistakes = Estimated number of sexual partners for a single, vibrant, 20 something year old woman
So, for example: 29-19= 10 x 2= 20 + 3 = 23…. See. Give or take a hand full.
Most of us are surprised when we finally bust out the pad and pen and start doing the math. “Did I do that?” (in Urkel voice) Yeah, you did. Having such a “healthy” golden number is not something most women are proud of and we know that the reaction of inquiring man will probably not very positive, so we lie to them and to ourselves, as well. In all honestly, none of us wants to wear her number on her chest like some great big Scarlet Letter. But, beating ourselves up over it, won’t change the past. If you’re ashamed of your number, and are determined not to add anymore names to that list (if you can remember their names :)), then you have two choices: 1) Cease all activity until you find “one” and make him your last or 2) Start crossing names off of the list because let’s keep it real, if it lasted less than 3 minutes and/or you didn’t have an orgasm, does it really count anyway? :)
What do you think?
Men lie. Yes, we all know this. They lie about relationships. They lie about how much money they make, and they lie about their penis sizes. Fuck it, they lie about any and everything. But women, our lies are little more specific. Women in their 30s lie about their age. But, what do women in their 20s lie about? We lie about “our number.” Not our phone number… Well maybe to the lurker in the club that misunderstood our drink acceptance as a commitment for marriage, of course we lie to him… But, what I’m talking about is our “golden number.” The sacred number that separates the women from the girls, the vixens from the saints, and the potential wives from the hoes… Our number of sexual partners. How many is too many? Well, Nana would say, “One, you’re not married, gal!.” But, its 2011, do they still make 20-something year old virgins? The rule used to be that anything over your age is just too much. But, at 28 that still seems a little socially unacceptable. Most women, when asked the “big question,” go with a safe number like 4 or 6. But, let’s keep it real. We all know that it’s probably more close to 20 or 30… Or is that just me? Ok, so you’re judging. Well, let me show you how it’s done.
Average length of relationships = 4 months
Average number of relationships per year=2
Average number of one night stands/ “Damn, he finally got me, that will never happen agains” per lifetime= 3
Average age of lost virginity=15
Now, let’s do the math… Current Age – Age of first sexual contact x average number of relationships per year + number of mistakes = Estimated number of sexual partners for a single, vibrant, 20 something year old woman
So, for example: 29-19= 10 x 2= 20 + 3 = 23…. See. Give or take a hand full.
Most of us are surprised when we finally bust out the pad and pen and start doing the math. “Did I do that?” (in Urkel voice) Yeah, you did. Having such a “healthy” golden number is not something most women are proud of and we know that the reaction of inquiring man will probably not very positive, so we lie to them and to ourselves, as well. In all honestly, none of us wants to wear her number on her chest like some great big Scarlet Letter. But, beating ourselves up over it, won’t change the past. If you’re ashamed of your number, and are determined not to add anymore names to that list (if you can remember their names :)), then you have two choices: 1) Cease all activity until you find “one” and make him your last or 2) Start crossing names off of the list because let’s keep it real, if it lasted less than 3 minutes and/or you didn’t have an orgasm, does it really count anyway? :)
What do you think?
Are you a dumb bitch?
Are you a dumb bitch?
I am, and so are most of my friends. This is not to say that I’m stupid in any way shape or form or that I’m an evil maniacal succubus… It’s simply to say that I do things that warrant me to step back and look at myself and say WTF! You are such a DUMB BITCH!!
Ten things that let you know that you’re a dumb bitch, courtesy of me and some of my closest friends...
1. You have been in a relationship with a man for more than 6 months, are actively engaging in sexual intercourse with him, want him to be your boyfriend, yet still don’t have a title.
2. You have less than $100 dollars in your savings account, yet own more than 50 pairs of shoes and have the audacity to be coveting the new Christian Louboutin peep toe pumps.
3. You have slept with your boss and it ended VERY badly (a broken heart, unemployment, etc.).
4. You have a “boyfriend” that disappears for days at a time and then reemerges and acts like nothing happened.
5. You have slept with a friend’s ex and (surprise) in the end where left with no man or best friend.
6. You live for the next episode of “Basketball Wives.”
7. You have been chastised more than twice for dressing inappropriately at work, have no plans to change your wardrobe, yet still wonder why you haven’t been promoted.
8. You have been fired from a job and then used that same employer as a reference for your next job.
9. You have an unemployed man/ baby daddy living with you for more than 2 years and your excuse for staying with him is “the dick is just so damn good.”
10. You have been dumped by a man that you never even liked in the first place, cried for a week afterward and then slept with him one more time to try to get him back.
And the list goes on and on…
If you said yes to 1 or more of the previous statements than you may be suffering from what experts (experts being me and my friends) refer to as dumbbitchitis or better known as just bad judgment.
Dumb bitches, suffer from symptoms such as… dating and redating the wrong man/ men. Spending their rent money on shoes and then living on 10 dollars a week and spending most of their leisure time having “dumb bitch sessions” with their other single and equally clueless friends. If this is you, don’t worry. Well, yeah, please do worry.. because there is no definite cure.
But, you may worry in jest because we have found a remedy and its called “Are you a dumb bitch.com” (NOT A REAL SITE)
In denial about your dumbitchitis… Oh poor soul, don’t be afraid to admit who and what you are. Don’t worry … you are in excellent company. Dumb bitches are everywhere. They are your accountants, your beauticians, your best friends, shit, even your mothers.
There is no shame in it… Well, yeah there is… but, not here. We have created a safe place for us to share our stories. A place where we can be honest about our mistakes and vast in the glory of knowing that we are not alone. So I beckon you fellow DB, come and share… you have friends here. :)
I am, and so are most of my friends. This is not to say that I’m stupid in any way shape or form or that I’m an evil maniacal succubus… It’s simply to say that I do things that warrant me to step back and look at myself and say WTF! You are such a DUMB BITCH!!
Ten things that let you know that you’re a dumb bitch, courtesy of me and some of my closest friends...
1. You have been in a relationship with a man for more than 6 months, are actively engaging in sexual intercourse with him, want him to be your boyfriend, yet still don’t have a title.
2. You have less than $100 dollars in your savings account, yet own more than 50 pairs of shoes and have the audacity to be coveting the new Christian Louboutin peep toe pumps.
3. You have slept with your boss and it ended VERY badly (a broken heart, unemployment, etc.).
4. You have a “boyfriend” that disappears for days at a time and then reemerges and acts like nothing happened.
5. You have slept with a friend’s ex and (surprise) in the end where left with no man or best friend.
6. You live for the next episode of “Basketball Wives.”
7. You have been chastised more than twice for dressing inappropriately at work, have no plans to change your wardrobe, yet still wonder why you haven’t been promoted.
8. You have been fired from a job and then used that same employer as a reference for your next job.
9. You have an unemployed man/ baby daddy living with you for more than 2 years and your excuse for staying with him is “the dick is just so damn good.”
10. You have been dumped by a man that you never even liked in the first place, cried for a week afterward and then slept with him one more time to try to get him back.
And the list goes on and on…
If you said yes to 1 or more of the previous statements than you may be suffering from what experts (experts being me and my friends) refer to as dumbbitchitis or better known as just bad judgment.
Dumb bitches, suffer from symptoms such as… dating and redating the wrong man/ men. Spending their rent money on shoes and then living on 10 dollars a week and spending most of their leisure time having “dumb bitch sessions” with their other single and equally clueless friends. If this is you, don’t worry. Well, yeah, please do worry.. because there is no definite cure.
But, you may worry in jest because we have found a remedy and its called “Are you a dumb bitch.com” (NOT A REAL SITE)
In denial about your dumbitchitis… Oh poor soul, don’t be afraid to admit who and what you are. Don’t worry … you are in excellent company. Dumb bitches are everywhere. They are your accountants, your beauticians, your best friends, shit, even your mothers.
There is no shame in it… Well, yeah there is… but, not here. We have created a safe place for us to share our stories. A place where we can be honest about our mistakes and vast in the glory of knowing that we are not alone. So I beckon you fellow DB, come and share… you have friends here. :)
He is NOT your boyfriend if....
Hello ladies,
Got a question for you. How many of you are in relationships with men that on the outside seem great; but, behind closed doors you know are just not right.
He is NOT your boyfriend if....
- You have been dating for more than 6 months, his family lives locally, he visits them often, yet they have no clue that you exist.
- You have never met his friends.
- He never takes you out in public.
- He has never bought you a Christmas, birthday, Valentines Day, etc. gift or card; but, you have bought him one.
- He goes away almost every weekend and you dont hear from him until Sunday night/ Monday morning.
- When you call him, he sends you to voicemail; then texts you back.
- He has never spent the night at your place and vice versa... but you still have sex.
- He refuses to meet your friends.
- His friends flirt with you, in front of him, he notices it and doesn't seem to care.
- He's not consistant enough in your life to be your emergency contact at the gym.
- He always makes you buy the condoms.
- YOU DON'T HAVE A TITLE!!
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